One dead grandmother could be YOURS!!!! WUT>????

[akunochi]

Dead grandmother for sale?

SHE WAS IN A STORAGE LOCKER NONE OF HER FAMILY WANT HER, SO IM OFFERING HER TO YOU AT A DISCOUNT PRICE, ASHES ARE STARTING TO LEAK FROM BOTTOM, I DID DROP HER,
I ALSO GOT HER PHOTOS
SHE WAS APROX 67 YEARS OLD, 170 POUNDS, 5'7
THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST PIECE OF ASH YOULL EVER GET
I GOT TO DO SOMETHING WITH HER NO FUNERAL HOME WILL TAKE HER,
THIS WILL BE GREAT FOR HALLOWEEN
SHE IS IN A BLACK URN APROX 10" HIGH X 5 X 5 WITH BRASS PRAYING HANDS
GREAT PIECE FOR YOUR MANTAL
YES YOU CAN SELL ANYTHING DEAD AS LONG AS YOU DIDNT KILL THEM
A FRIEND OF MINE JUST SOLD A SKULL ON E-BAY

443-810-[xxxx]

 

[akunochi]

Buwhahahahah!!!

to the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes i know. No i am not angry; i would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.

1. Please stop leaving the seat up, i keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.

2. You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows i drink plenty before i find her attractive), but please leave me a few as i have to be there longer than you.

3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter i will pick some up.

4. Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?

5. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, i run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks).

6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not
mentally challenged.

7. Please stop turning the heat up, you pay nothing and mud is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but i think it hurts.

8. When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.

9.stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.

10. Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that i rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and i try to help with school work too) has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.

Lastly i would like thank you for taking her to lunch on valentines day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money i saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if i have to confront her. If you can do this for me i will give you a heads up on when i will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed.

P.s. I am going to take the kids to the sunset state beach camping on the 26th of september for two days; i have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.

Thanks. This was not written by anyone named [deleted].

 

[Myteemouse]

seen that one about a year ago.. very funny.

 

[akunochi]

Job Opportunity????

Astronaut needed for experimental flight to Titan. I have been working on this project now for near 40 years and am afraid I'm no longer fit enough to go.
My secret space craft is the result of my professional experience and imagination while serving the U.S. military in advanced aeronautics as a scientist.
The craft harnesses a revolutionary propulsion system and its fuselage is fabricated with the most advanced material. While considerably safe,
I am certain you will make it safely to Titan but there will not be enough fuel to get home. This is for someone unique that has always wanted to see the universe
first-hand and has perhaps a terminal view on life here at home. Here's your shot at romantic history.
Must be:
-physically fit.
-mentally sound.
-over the age of 18.
-a dreamer.
-a believer.
-not afraid of heights.
-not afraid of extreme conditions such as speed, pressure, heat, etc.
-brave.
-no taller than 5'10 and relatively slim.
-good eye-sight & hearing.
-manual dexterity (although the craft is largely cpu controlled).
-OK in cramped conditions for long periods of time.

 

[Ellylove]

We seriously need every one's help to find him

I was floating down the river on my tube, and Pancakes was right next to me. He is a small, 13 legged centipede who loves taco sauce, hardy partying, and never forgets to take his gummy vitamins. I looked back and he was gone, floating away. . . SCREAMING. No one knew what to do. He is a very good floater, probably because of all the gummi vitamins he takes. He never eats McDonalds when I do either. If you find him could you please e-mail me immediately!?? I miss him so much and I have no one to talk to, and no one to drink beerz with. He was my only friend. He was supposed to be 12 this upcoming Feb. 9th. He is an Aquarius.

Ps. He Has A SMILE as BRIGHT as the SUNNNNNNNNN

<3