Maxx
Staff Housemonkey
- Joined
- Jul 31, 2003
- Messages
- 2,935
I'm not scared of much, (besides big fuzzy spiders), but I'm coming to the realization that squirrels are a menace and have a plan to take over the world...
Here's the proof....I wrote this 12-14-2003, and this is a TRUE STORY.
Okay.....This is how my day started....
I'm a bartender at a large Concert nightclub here in St louis, (The Pageant). it also has a 3 am liquor license...(which means I'm usually bartending until 4:30 am or so ), and I didnt get any sleep until about 5 am this morning. My girlfriend woke me up @ 10 am, saying that the dog was acting strange. Tyler, (87 lb lab/shepard/chow mix) was running to a specific window, looking up at it, and whining. He wouldnt go outside, just ran straight to the window. I get up, stagger to the window in my boxers, and pull back the blinds to see whats got the dog all riled up. A squirrel is hiding behind the blinds, inside the house. It looks as startled as I was, gave a sqeek, crouched down, baring its teeth in a defensive posture. I let out some early morning mishmash of startled profanity, and dropped the blinds back in place. In the background the talking heads on CNN announce that Saddam Hussein has been captured.
I must have missed the find a fugitive meeting....
Heartened by the knowledge that our brave men and women in Iraq had captured their dangerous fugitive, I prepared to assault the window sill, flanked by my ridiculously excited dog, and my even more ridiculously scared girlfriend, (What if that damn tree rat has rabies??!!!). I armed myself w/ an outsized unused fish net, a pair of thick work gloves, (those lil suckers have some wicked sharp looking teeth, at least 3 feet long each. I know, I saw every one of 'em when it bared its teeth at me!) and a large empty 40 gallon rubbermaid trashcan and lid. The plan was to drop the net over the squirrel, scoop the lil terrorist off the window sill, into the the trash can, and then banish him to the great outdoors.....we all know what happens w/ plans right?
In Slow motion.....
Blinds get pulled back, net drops over surprised squirrel, squirrel freaks, squeals, (God as my witness it squealed), and begins to jump around and claw at the net, the dog lunges forward trying to get a look at the action, girlfriend screams, I go deaf. Scoop squirrel off window sill to put into trash can, squirrel pulls Jedi Knight/ Matrix kung fu move, flips out of the net, does 3 somersaults to land on the edge of the trash can, pirouettes neatly, gives me the finger, and lands gracefully on the floor.
In wicked quick time....
Squirrel dashes towards the cracked open basement door, dog barks and thunders off in pursuit, (you'd have thought we had cornered a bear in the house by the noise made by the dog), now hysterical girlfriend passes out, I realize that things arent going according to plan.
Squirrel shoulders thru door, dog barrels thru door, I take two steps towards the door, girlfriend hits floor.
Squirrel pull yet another jedi knight/ matrix move, vaults onto the hot water heater, and manuevers through the plumbing like a 14 year old russian gymnist on the uneven bars, dog crashes into several boxes en route to the water heater causing a minor avalanche of stored goods, I reach the basement door.
Squirrel reaches window which was barely open, (infiltration point) stops long enough to mock us, vow revenge, and escapes....
I'm not saying there is direct connection between Saddam and the demon squirrel. Nor am I speculating against the fact that the squirrel could have been an advance scout looking for a safe haven for Saddam. At this point in time, all leads are being followed up on. All members of the house are on a heightened security alert as a precaution against further squirrel advances.
the score:
US troops vs Saddam a success, Nick and Tyler vs squirrel a loss.
Next time I'm calling in close air support.
:guns: :wit: :guns:
Stay tuned for further bulletins as events warrant,
Later that day
UPDATE
Loud noises eminating from the vicinity of the basement hallway, have the dog, and the girlfriend on high alert. The girlfriend states that she heard someone stomping up the stairs. She grabbed Tyler by the collar and calls out "Hello???" to anyone who might be hiding yet dumb enough to answer.
(We live in a two family flat in St louis. The upstairs apartment is currently vacant while the landlord who is good friend of mine, renevates. The squirrel's original discovery, and the suspicious noises took place/ are coming from a stairwell that allows upstairs tennants access to the basement w/o going outside.)
Our apartment is in a safe neighborhood in the city, but I've heard of people breaking in not too far from where we live, so I grab the gun, and the dog, and begin to investigate. Suddenly, my opponent turns the corner, sees me, and races off...but this time, the doors are firmly shut. Escape is impossible for something w/o opposable thumbs. Thinking quickly, I grab the dog, notify the girlfriend that it's back, and put the gun down. Rocio lets out a squeek, and slams the door shut, trapping me with the Satan squirrel. Now, I'm cussing, holding the dog, and trying not step on or kick the gun. The Three Stooges tripping on acid couldnt have come up with this.
I get the dog and the gun downstairs, and back in the house w/ the Rocio, and grab the net. Properly armed, I advance on my opponent with steely resolve. There's only one way this is gonna end. The squirrel is perched back up on the same window sill it was disovered on, making those "C'mere" kinda moves you see in Kung fu flicks on cable @ 4 am....I'm not frightened, Its Go Time!
Slow motion...
I make a quick feint w/ my left hand, causing the Squirrel to move right to evade, my net swoops down swiftly from the right, trapping it helplessly. The Rubbermaid beckons....
Lid off, Squirrel scooped in, lid shut.......VICTORY!!!
I call out to Rocio to tell her that I've got it, she pops out like a startled Jack-in-the-box, and immediately askes if she can help me........................ "No thanks Honey, I think I can handle it from here"....(I swear this really happened....I couldnt believe it)
The vicious beast was captured in the trusty rubbermaid, I escorted him outside, across the street, and banished him. The squirrel, realizing that he was defeated, raced off to seek safer, less defended locations for a possible base of operations.
Naturally now that the conflict was over, Rocio wanted to celebrate. So we took Tyler to go get pictures w/ Santa @ Petsmart.........sigh.....what a reward.....at least he got a stuffed squirrel chew toy as reward for valour in battle and suffering the indignity of being photographed w/ a fat man in a red polyester suit clinging to him like he was the last jelly doughnut on earth.
I swear this has been a surreal day. I'm wondering if someone slipped some ecstacy in my coffee last night. Saddam, squirrels and Santa.....theres an unholy trinity if I've ever seen one.
Yesterday, this story was posted.......
http://www.ksdk.com/news/watercooler/hot_topics_article.aspx?storyid=92811
Two Women OK After Being Attacked By Squirrel
CRETE, Ill. (AP) -- Authorities say two women in the Chicago suburb of Crete are fine after being attacked by a squirrel.
Crete Police Chief Paul VanDeraa says one woman was scratched in the leg and bitten by a squirrel February 16th as she walked from her porch to her car. Three days later, a squirrel scratched another woman.
VanDeraa says the women live several blocks from each other. Will County Animal Control set traps in the victims' yards and caught a squirrel.
He says the squirrel didn't have any signs of rabies, but it is being held as a precautionary measure.
Coincidence???? I THINK NOT!!!!
They are diabolical evil minded tree weasels with plans of world domination!! Be on your guard when near trees or simialr habitats these malicious beast frequent.
I'm trying to find another link from a guy who was almost killed when a squirrel attacked him while he was innocently riding his motorcycle. As soon as I can find a valid link, I'll post it up too.
Be careful folks, you cant trust squirrels. The soft bushy tail and innocent looks are all just clever RUSE!!!! Anything that can run DOWN a tree should be carefully watched.
Here's the proof....I wrote this 12-14-2003, and this is a TRUE STORY.
Okay.....This is how my day started....
I'm a bartender at a large Concert nightclub here in St louis, (The Pageant). it also has a 3 am liquor license...(which means I'm usually bartending until 4:30 am or so ), and I didnt get any sleep until about 5 am this morning. My girlfriend woke me up @ 10 am, saying that the dog was acting strange. Tyler, (87 lb lab/shepard/chow mix) was running to a specific window, looking up at it, and whining. He wouldnt go outside, just ran straight to the window. I get up, stagger to the window in my boxers, and pull back the blinds to see whats got the dog all riled up. A squirrel is hiding behind the blinds, inside the house. It looks as startled as I was, gave a sqeek, crouched down, baring its teeth in a defensive posture. I let out some early morning mishmash of startled profanity, and dropped the blinds back in place. In the background the talking heads on CNN announce that Saddam Hussein has been captured.
I must have missed the find a fugitive meeting....
Heartened by the knowledge that our brave men and women in Iraq had captured their dangerous fugitive, I prepared to assault the window sill, flanked by my ridiculously excited dog, and my even more ridiculously scared girlfriend, (What if that damn tree rat has rabies??!!!). I armed myself w/ an outsized unused fish net, a pair of thick work gloves, (those lil suckers have some wicked sharp looking teeth, at least 3 feet long each. I know, I saw every one of 'em when it bared its teeth at me!) and a large empty 40 gallon rubbermaid trashcan and lid. The plan was to drop the net over the squirrel, scoop the lil terrorist off the window sill, into the the trash can, and then banish him to the great outdoors.....we all know what happens w/ plans right?
In Slow motion.....
Blinds get pulled back, net drops over surprised squirrel, squirrel freaks, squeals, (God as my witness it squealed), and begins to jump around and claw at the net, the dog lunges forward trying to get a look at the action, girlfriend screams, I go deaf. Scoop squirrel off window sill to put into trash can, squirrel pulls Jedi Knight/ Matrix kung fu move, flips out of the net, does 3 somersaults to land on the edge of the trash can, pirouettes neatly, gives me the finger, and lands gracefully on the floor.
In wicked quick time....
Squirrel dashes towards the cracked open basement door, dog barks and thunders off in pursuit, (you'd have thought we had cornered a bear in the house by the noise made by the dog), now hysterical girlfriend passes out, I realize that things arent going according to plan.
Squirrel shoulders thru door, dog barrels thru door, I take two steps towards the door, girlfriend hits floor.
Squirrel pull yet another jedi knight/ matrix move, vaults onto the hot water heater, and manuevers through the plumbing like a 14 year old russian gymnist on the uneven bars, dog crashes into several boxes en route to the water heater causing a minor avalanche of stored goods, I reach the basement door.
Squirrel reaches window which was barely open, (infiltration point) stops long enough to mock us, vow revenge, and escapes....
I'm not saying there is direct connection between Saddam and the demon squirrel. Nor am I speculating against the fact that the squirrel could have been an advance scout looking for a safe haven for Saddam. At this point in time, all leads are being followed up on. All members of the house are on a heightened security alert as a precaution against further squirrel advances.
the score:
US troops vs Saddam a success, Nick and Tyler vs squirrel a loss.
Next time I'm calling in close air support.
:guns: :wit: :guns:
Stay tuned for further bulletins as events warrant,
Later that day
UPDATE
Loud noises eminating from the vicinity of the basement hallway, have the dog, and the girlfriend on high alert. The girlfriend states that she heard someone stomping up the stairs. She grabbed Tyler by the collar and calls out "Hello???" to anyone who might be hiding yet dumb enough to answer.
(We live in a two family flat in St louis. The upstairs apartment is currently vacant while the landlord who is good friend of mine, renevates. The squirrel's original discovery, and the suspicious noises took place/ are coming from a stairwell that allows upstairs tennants access to the basement w/o going outside.)
Our apartment is in a safe neighborhood in the city, but I've heard of people breaking in not too far from where we live, so I grab the gun, and the dog, and begin to investigate. Suddenly, my opponent turns the corner, sees me, and races off...but this time, the doors are firmly shut. Escape is impossible for something w/o opposable thumbs. Thinking quickly, I grab the dog, notify the girlfriend that it's back, and put the gun down. Rocio lets out a squeek, and slams the door shut, trapping me with the Satan squirrel. Now, I'm cussing, holding the dog, and trying not step on or kick the gun. The Three Stooges tripping on acid couldnt have come up with this.
I get the dog and the gun downstairs, and back in the house w/ the Rocio, and grab the net. Properly armed, I advance on my opponent with steely resolve. There's only one way this is gonna end. The squirrel is perched back up on the same window sill it was disovered on, making those "C'mere" kinda moves you see in Kung fu flicks on cable @ 4 am....I'm not frightened, Its Go Time!
Slow motion...
I make a quick feint w/ my left hand, causing the Squirrel to move right to evade, my net swoops down swiftly from the right, trapping it helplessly. The Rubbermaid beckons....
Lid off, Squirrel scooped in, lid shut.......VICTORY!!!
I call out to Rocio to tell her that I've got it, she pops out like a startled Jack-in-the-box, and immediately askes if she can help me........................ "No thanks Honey, I think I can handle it from here"....(I swear this really happened....I couldnt believe it)
The vicious beast was captured in the trusty rubbermaid, I escorted him outside, across the street, and banished him. The squirrel, realizing that he was defeated, raced off to seek safer, less defended locations for a possible base of operations.
Naturally now that the conflict was over, Rocio wanted to celebrate. So we took Tyler to go get pictures w/ Santa @ Petsmart.........sigh.....what a reward.....at least he got a stuffed squirrel chew toy as reward for valour in battle and suffering the indignity of being photographed w/ a fat man in a red polyester suit clinging to him like he was the last jelly doughnut on earth.
I swear this has been a surreal day. I'm wondering if someone slipped some ecstacy in my coffee last night. Saddam, squirrels and Santa.....theres an unholy trinity if I've ever seen one.
Yesterday, this story was posted.......
http://www.ksdk.com/news/watercooler/hot_topics_article.aspx?storyid=92811
Two Women OK After Being Attacked By Squirrel
CRETE, Ill. (AP) -- Authorities say two women in the Chicago suburb of Crete are fine after being attacked by a squirrel.
Crete Police Chief Paul VanDeraa says one woman was scratched in the leg and bitten by a squirrel February 16th as she walked from her porch to her car. Three days later, a squirrel scratched another woman.
VanDeraa says the women live several blocks from each other. Will County Animal Control set traps in the victims' yards and caught a squirrel.
He says the squirrel didn't have any signs of rabies, but it is being held as a precautionary measure.
Coincidence???? I THINK NOT!!!!
They are diabolical evil minded tree weasels with plans of world domination!! Be on your guard when near trees or simialr habitats these malicious beast frequent.
I'm trying to find another link from a guy who was almost killed when a squirrel attacked him while he was innocently riding his motorcycle. As soon as I can find a valid link, I'll post it up too.
Be careful folks, you cant trust squirrels. The soft bushy tail and innocent looks are all just clever RUSE!!!! Anything that can run DOWN a tree should be carefully watched.
